what the world needs now

[kitsplut]

I am bored. None of the conversations I have had tonight were anything remotely like interesting or fulfilling, so I let them die. I'm disgusted with myself and most of the people I know and just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone. I'm sick of hearing us all pointlessly whine about the shit in our heads. I'm sick of a certain splutling bitching about Microsoft but then refusing to use any other OS because he couldn't play his goddamn fucking games (not you, Mr. Paranoia. go eat your biscuit). I want to run away to Montana and cut all my hair off and dye it really truly blonde and lose twenty pounds and wear tight little things and fake lashes and surprise people when I actually have a brain. I want a real journal that people don't read. I want to quit feeling guilty when I get upset with people. I am a person and get to have feelings too. I do not have to be radiant sweetness all the time if I don't feel like it.

I don't want to be a computer major anymore. I don't ever want to see a computer again. They make me feel little and stupid, and it's not healthy to hate myself all the time. Lots of things make me hate myself. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's not really ME I hate, but everyone else, and that I only process it as self-hate because I think I shouldn't hate other people. when I do, I feel guilty. And I feel guilty for wanting to be an English major, because I've mindfucked myself into being a pseudo-geek for so long. Then I hate me for not being able to pull it off, because I can't hate other people who can, even though I want to. God knows I want to. I am damned to this, damned damned damned, and there's no cure for it besides to throw it all away and start OVER to try and build my real self instead of the one my daddy wanted me to be.

It's the NEVER ENDING SUCK CIRCLE.

it ends when you let it end and go eat a lollipop.

Comments

It's your thing....

[electriccat.livejournal.com]

... do what you want to do.
By all means... don't waste all that money on a major you hate just because someone tells you that's what you should be. You'll end up bitter and bored and ultimately end up doing what you want to do anyway. If you want to be an English major.. do it, baby! Telling people they have to "pick a career" at 19 is bullsh*t. Telling people that they need to go to college to be able to do what they want, is also bullsh*t.
rant... rant... rant...

You can have a career that involves poking at computers all day without having to sit through mind numbing Java classes (no pun intended). Or you can write the Great American Novel. Or you can just get a job at WalMart.
It's up to you, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.
Okay.. enough sunshine and lollypops.. I know.
See... someday I see myself buying a house with a friend of mine (my friend Cathy, the Geekchick) and we're going to live there with really good connectivity, about 20 cats, a swimming pool in the back yard (and we can invite over cute geekbois to clean our pool and cook dinner for us and massage our feet) and then tell them to go home so we can watch Buffy.
blah blah blah
Oh yeah, did I mention the part about sitting on the porch with a martini in hand, yelling at the rest of the humans to "stay off our lawn" and taking pot shots at them with a bb gun if they get too close.
Welcome to Misanthrope Manor, please do not touch or bother the residents unless they tell you it's okay.
Anyway, in all seriousness, don't waste any time in your life trying to be someone that someone else expects you to be. Don't waste time and money on college that bores you to tears. Pack up the car, grab the rest of the Lime Girls, and run away and join the circus.. or move to Boston.. or something.

Re: It's your thing....

[kitsplut.livejournal.com]

Well, I graduate in May (supposedly), and Dad's paying for all of it (which is why I let him talk me into my major)(also, he bought me Pookie as a bribe), so I am going to finish it out. I at least want my degree to show for the last 2.5 years of slamming my head into a wall. After that...Goddess only knows. I'll prly try to find a job in the field, just to see if I actually hate doing this, or if I just hate my teachers and their ineptitude, which is honestly quite possible. I may just have a flaming case of senioritis, too.

But, if I do end up disliking it, I am so going to run away with the Lime Girls. We're all disgusted with school and society and pop culture. I think we should seize this opportunity of political confusion to take over the country and begin a new era of (relative) sanity.

Thank you for the advice, Amy-san. You're the only geekgrrl I know. I hope everything goes better for you, too.