Dec. 20th, 2000

kitsplut: (Default)
Being awake now offends every fiber of my being.

I had weird dreams all night. I dreamed I was dreaming about going to church, which is something I haven't done since I was thirteen, after which I dreamed that I was Sailormoon (again), followed by this whole weird thing between Venus and Mars they're all right tonight, and another one where I dreamed I was MARY THE DUCK and I was hiding in a closet from Xelloss-sama, but then I was me, and there were all these French guys damn you, Pascal, and I made one of them buy Mom really expensive shoes so I could borrow them, because he was having an affair with her but hitting on me, and I was going to blackmail him.

Noooow I am going to have a headache all day. more coffee.

shine shine.
kitsplut: (Default)
I am bored. None of the conversations I have had tonight were anything remotely like interesting or fulfilling, so I let them die. I'm disgusted with myself and most of the people I know and just want everyone to shut up and leave me alone. I'm sick of hearing us all pointlessly whine about the shit in our heads. I'm sick of a certain splutling bitching about Microsoft but then refusing to use any other OS because he couldn't play his goddamn fucking games (not you, Mr. Paranoia. go eat your biscuit). I want to run away to Montana and cut all my hair off and dye it really truly blonde and lose twenty pounds and wear tight little things and fake lashes and surprise people when I actually have a brain. I want a real journal that people don't read. I want to quit feeling guilty when I get upset with people. I am a person and get to have feelings too. I do not have to be radiant sweetness all the time if I don't feel like it.

I don't want to be a computer major anymore. I don't ever want to see a computer again. They make me feel little and stupid, and it's not healthy to hate myself all the time. Lots of things make me hate myself. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's not really ME I hate, but everyone else, and that I only process it as self-hate because I think I shouldn't hate other people. when I do, I feel guilty. And I feel guilty for wanting to be an English major, because I've mindfucked myself into being a pseudo-geek for so long. Then I hate me for not being able to pull it off, because I can't hate other people who can, even though I want to. God knows I want to. I am damned to this, damned damned damned, and there's no cure for it besides to throw it all away and start OVER to try and build my real self instead of the one my daddy wanted me to be.

It's the NEVER ENDING SUCK CIRCLE.

it ends when you let it end and go eat a lollipop.
kitsplut: (Default)
It is eerily quiet in the hall. I know most of them went home, but I wonder where the others are. I guess out celebrating the end of finals.

I celebrate it in my own, silent, antisocial way.

We're leaving tomorrow at ten. If no one hears from me in a week, send someone up with a staple gun and an emergency poncho.

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