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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
Lupus and sunlight literally drains the life out of me. (Creation of melanoma = dead cells for my body to shove into the garbage can).

So I guess after all those years of being a teenager and playing Vampire: The Masquerade (Alkie Malkie, anyone?), dressing like a vampire, and wishing to be a vampire have finally come true.

And let's not forget the anemia, which equals a paleness that any vampire would be proud of.

Stupid, ridiculous, teenage Teressa.

(Said after a brief, 20 minute run in the very hot, very sunny outside to procure cigarettes. Do vampires even smoke cigarettes?)

Rhetorical question is rhetorical

Jul. 24th, 2017 06:11 pm
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
Why do I worship Death? I have no other gods, no other patrons or symbols that have captured my love the way Death has. I have loved Death for decades, long before my actual brushes with death that left my life waiting in the span of hours, in minutes of actually meeting Death.

Why do I have shrine built to the very idea of death? Skeletons, mini-graveyards filled with actual cemetery dirt (I still have that, Cemetery!) Pictures of graveyards, cards made by friends of movies that deal with death, a locket of the Catholic patron of Death. The comic of the Crow. A rose with an actual muskrat skull buried within the petals. Jewelry of bones. An actual animal skull, in full, on display.

Are people like me born this way or are we made this way?

Why do I worship Death? And why does it comfort me?

Private blisses

Jul. 23rd, 2017 08:42 pm
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
The night ends in a private bliss. A hot bath, meds to let the hot water sink into every pore, and music as haunting and beautiful as what shivers down the darkest hallways of my soul.

It's exhilarating, cathartic - to have it just be you, the water rising, and alone as this apartment gets. (One closing door in the entire place - and that place is the bathroom.)

Jesse gets worried. He'll check on me, I assume to make sure I'm not painting the walls red with my blood or else have fallen asleep in the tub. (Though I do love to lay in the tub once the water has been drained, cooling off on the still warm but not concrete cold porcelain.)

Sometimes that's all I need to chase the demons away. Be alone, be in hot water that soothes like softly felt fire, and to hear what speaks to the sorrow.

I can sleep with some sort of peace now. And at the end of the day, that's truly all I want.

Tracking the swings

Jul. 23rd, 2017 01:07 pm
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
Mood hit a wild downswing, for the reasons that they do, most famous being why the hell not? It's not depression. That's easy to recognize. It's not sadness. That's also easy to name. It's something more chaotic than that. Something that I'm not sure how it's going to manifest.

Predictability is not a virtue, nor a thing I put any faith inside.

Gonna try to sleep it out. May or may not work.

Sleepless nights at the black and white keys
I'll let my fingers say it for me.

Sometimes I swear the lyrics words write me
The words write me.

The melody a remedy to calm me down
You never did approve of the fix I found.

You can bury my body in the backyard,
When you're not looking I'll go dig myself up!
" Icon for Hire "Rock N Roll Thugs"

Buried halfway underground due to the tricksters in my head. And if I shall have enough dirt thrown at my head to bury me completely, I will try to dig myself out. I will try.

That's all anyone can ask of me, whether or not I manage actually to crawl out of the grave covered in dirt or covered in blood.

Science and how it redeems itself

Jul. 23rd, 2017 08:44 am
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
I think I've discovered the core issue of my life-long migraines - and it's ridiculously basic.

High blood pressure.

Since the worst of them only happen when I forget to take them (my potassium blocker, for some reason, always ends up the "forget to take it till mid-afternoon" list), and I now know I've had high blood pressure for most of my life, it's easy enough to pinpoint the largest cause.

Just a few pills and for the most part, my skull stays exactly where it is and does not explode into boney-shards waves of pain. I do still GET migraines, but those are now either stress related, (usually when I am having bad or anxiety dreams) or "Oh shit, I forgot my pills. Goddamnit."

The wonders of modern medicine. I'd say I'm surprised no one caught it, but outside of two urgent-care clinics (basically one-time doctor visits which do not have access to full medical equipment or personnel), I hadn't been to a doctor in 20 years. There was no one there TO catch it.

Lack of health insurance, mostly. I saw little reason to go to an ER as they always said "Go to your doctor", of which thanks to having no health insurance, I didn't have a doctor to go to.

One time I went in hoping to get sent to rehab, but SURPRISE, my small town's single rehab center did not take methamphetamine addicts, as they did not believe it was a physical addiction.

(Thank fucking God we know better now.)

Seriously, the 90's sucked so hard for some of this medical/psychiatric shit. Mad props to anyone who had to get help for physical or mental health in earlier decades. I mean, FOR REALS.

And even now, in 2017, we are still waiting on science to catch up on so much stuff. Why do epilepsy drugs work for bipolar disorder? Not a fucking clue. Is lupus family-based genetically passed? Not a fucking clue. What REALLY causes addiction, and why do support groups work only some of the time? Not a fucking clue.

Shit like that. I'm exceedingly grateful that we know so much more now. I'm exceedingly exasperated that we don't know MORE than we do now.

But I guess that's science. EUREKA moments are made-for-tv only and the rest of us have to live in Real Life. I guess, for today, that's okay.

(no subject)

Jul. 22nd, 2017 03:59 pm
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
One of the most awesome things about being an adult is that you can eat whatever you want to, whenever you want to (assuming kidneys, livers, and all other forms of digestive system implements are working at somewhat full health.) Now, my promises at 8 years old of eating nothing but chocolate bars has fallen off the rail as the years go on and I find out I actually LIKE certain fruits, vegetables, and the occasional salad, buuuuut -

I'm 36 and the novelty of this has never worn out. I want to binge eat three gigantic bowls of Fruity Loops for lunch AND dinner?

FUCK YEAH. ADULTHOOD RULES.
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
Sometimes I tire of this "gift", this "talent" I have for writing - a gift that I argue is comprised of mostly practice and study. Want to write well? Read a lot of fucking books and write everyday that you can. Do that for several years and BAM - other people will compliment you in awe of your "gift" and your "talent." That's what this "gift" is. That's what ANY "gift" is. Practice and study.

I wasn't born with this. I worked for 24 years to be able to do this. Don't call it a gift. It's fucking self-imposed homework is what it is.

A "gift" implies that is it something one must share with the world - the entire world, lest they be deprived of of your brilliance. I tire of that as well. As much as I've discovered the benefits of public writing, it doesn't make me a fucking genius. It just makes me someone who took all the handwritten journals over the years and moved onto writing on a website that was totally cool back in 2006.

Most (okay, ALL) of my writing is just me trying to keep my head above water. There's not a lot of energy left over write in any other fashion for any other group of people. No, it's NOT as easy as just editing 17 years total of writing. No, it's NOT as easy as just throwing the whole thing on whatever new self-publishing site is new. No, it's NOT as easy to go entry by entry and rewrite the commentary as I see it NOW, years later.

And maybe that's WHY I should do it. Because it's NOT easy - and nothing good has ever just waltzed right up and sat in my lap. But when Maslow's Hierarchy is toppling from the base down, goddamnit, I have the right to do something that helps it from falling over entirely, and that's general journaling.

Will I ever have the energy and the spare psychic wherewithal to write something more than just a journal? I have no idea, and that idea is yeeears away right now anyways. I'm in deep waters, writing is a life-raft, and I'm not ready to build a goddamn cool life-raft designed mansion on the sea just to impress others.

I'm not sure why this frustration is coming this morning. It's been a few days since Jesse and I got into about my writing (and what it should be and what I should do with it.) Maybe there really is the next Great American Novel inside of me.

But she's gonna have to wait in line, because right now I've 200 dollars worth of bills to pay, no money coming IN to pay it, and cramps that are borderline bodily implosion. This is maintenance writing, and y'know what?

I'm okay with that.

WHITE PRIVILEGE in all upper case

Jul. 22nd, 2017 08:17 am
disgruntledgirl: Taken from one of my many yahoo accts, which all mirror part of me. (Default)
[personal profile] disgruntledgirl
Frankly, even other white people would be sick of this woman's shit if she were in say .. my neighborhood.

White woman named Mackenzie buys an apartment in Harlem and starts launching a campaign against: the ice cream truck.

Yes, the offending ice cream truck driver has the nerve, the unmitigated gall, to blast jingles from his parked truck between 7:45-9:00 PM, according to Mackenzie. Playing jingles while parked is technically illegal, as Mackenzie knows, but it’s also the kind of thing literally nobody but Mackenzie gives a shit about. She found this out the hard way because she called everyone from 311 to the cops to the fucking mayor and her “problem” still wasn’t solved.

Because no one gives a shit.

The first time this happened, she recalls, “I went down and said to him, ‘Would you mind turning off the music?’ He looked at me and he was like, ‘What are you talking about?’”

She continued, “I said, ‘It’s illegal for you to have your music on anyway, so could you please turn it off?”

His response: “Fuck off.”


(Sings Real American Heroes....)


So goes the thought process:

Jul. 21st, 2017 10:59 pm
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
* Have one of those inexplicable nights where your meds take hoooours to hit you.

* Roll out bed, disgusted by boredom.

* Hit youtube. Watch College Humor videos until your eyes stop seeing comedy actors and start seeing young 20-ish kids poking fun at social issues that you only think of in passing.

* Get even MORE bored.

* Contemplate listening to music. Curse your inability to listen to happy music.

* Scour your playlists for calming music, knowing that it won't budge the meds or your moods in the slightest.

* Contemplate reading a book. Realize your glasses have gone the way of the dodo and you couldn't find them with a glasses-scrying machine a mile wild. Also curse your inability to read because you're that fucking tired anyways.

* Realize part of this is because you're on the rag. Curse that bitch Eve and try to ignore the lower back that feels like it's exploding out of your torso.

* Fuck it. Put on calming music. Write a Livejournal entry. Realize you will be up till midnight with nothing to show for it.

* ARRRGHHHH.
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
I may need another medication adjustment, as the last two mornings have seen me leap out of bed in the middle of anxiety attack, doom and gloom pressing down every breath, ragged and grabbing me by the throat. I pace. I clean. I sit down, curl up, head on my knees, hands caught in my hair, trying to pull the thoughts out.

Mornings used to be my favorite time of the day. Now I dread them. Life at 36 is not life at 16. Simple enough concept, right? But it's one that clobbers me over the head every goddamn time I open my eyes.

The nights are easier, though as the days go, Jesse sinks and I do not know what to do to catch him. Arms can be a lifesaver, but getting out of my head seems impossible somedays.

I must try, though. My goal of having meaningful interaction (face to face) with another human being 30 minutes every other day has had some success. I don't always feel better, but I know it's necessary to get moving out of my sickness. Re-socialize to eventually back to being able to work.

I've managed to keep every appointment set in the last month. My case manager and I come up with a new goal every week. I've accomplished most of them. I've got a peer-support-specialist to call back tomorrow.

My dreams keep throwing me back to the psych ward, where no one will tell me why I'm there and no one will let me leave. It's a stark juxtaposition to how I feel WHEN in the psych ward. (Safe, protected, and somewhat scheduled with all their groups.) But I really, really want to stay out them. That helps.

I'm setting up every goddamn mental health resource available towards my outstretched hands, because it's either this or resigning myself to the 6th floor every fucking month. And while I feel safe there, it also holds my recovery back, because life ain't no psycho ward, and I've got to learn to live outside of it.

See, a person gets so many screw ups before their support group has to start pulling away for their OWN sanity. I don't want to do that. I've an AMAZING support group, both online and face-to-face. I just need to get better at utilizing it! I'm terrible about reaching out, especially when push comes to sharp objects and extra pill bottles laying out.

Gonzo, your suggestion of removing all the sharp knives and razors, the extra bottles that whisper to me to take them all at once - the easy-go-to's for destruction was taken and it has helped immensely. Not that there aren't another million ways to hurt myself (broken glass, jagged pencil edges, hell, staples and thumb tacks), but those are never as satisfying.

I don't even know where the knives, razors, and extra bottles are. I think Jesse did the smart thing and handed them off to a friend, because if there's one thing an addict will do (and cutting and making entire dinners out of a pill bottle is an addiction) is to tear apart a house, stone by screaming stone with their bare hands, to find their favorite fix.

Existential angst is in full force in the mornings. I tell myself that THAT is perfectly normal. It is the human condition. Sometimes it is enough to calm the anxiety enough for me to allow me to practice other mindful exercises to get me through.

The next step - the goal set up for this week - is to find someplace to volunteer. I'm physically well enough to do at least twice a month. It will accomplish several things at once: Developing a schedule (which has been destroyed in the last year), helping others, finding a sense of self-identity.

And for fucks sake, I need a goddamn sense of self-identity. I've been so aimless, so in my head, so completely out of my mind, I think to find things OUTSIDE of myself that help identity myself, to give good labels to apply to myself will be a life-saver - possibly literally.

I CAN DO THIS. I am not destined to sink and swim in the mud in my veins. I am not going to let all the years of building myself before mean nothing in the force of what is currently destroying me.

The demons are many, and I am in an ocean where the sharks smell the blood and constantly circle. I will fight them. Somedays will be better than others. Somedays a shower will be the best I can do. But I am finally beginning to see some light on the other side of the tunnel, and I can say with some certainty that it's not just another train barreling straight for me.

My pain didn't change me, I changed my pain. MY PAIN DID NOT CHANGE ME, I CHANGED MY PAIN." - Icon for Hire "Demons. I've done this before. I can do this again. I listen to this song every day. It is anthem. It is reclaiming power - both mine in sharing the struggle and mine in remembering my strength, my endurance, my resilience.



If God shall send a fire, so be it. I will be reforged.

(no subject)

Jul. 19th, 2017 08:08 pm
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
The days usually end up in a better place than where they started. Or at least more days than not.

It's slow but it's progress.

Dental Damnation.

Jul. 17th, 2017 08:46 am
disgruntledgirl: smack smack smack (Whack)
[personal profile] disgruntledgirl
Where to fucking start?

"The plan was perfect. My appointment at 7am, Kevin's at 4pm.
WAS.
"

We showed up at 6:45 so I could handle an paperwork, but the door would not open until 7am, as demonstrated by other people that had the same idea as us. let us begin the timeline.

7am to 9am
Paperwork, picking, meet the dentist, meet the hygienist, xrays. A sensor was out causing multiple Xrays to be made over and over and over. I had to say - twice - "You do know that you're depending on the rear right molar to support this sensor at this angle - and it's one that's missing?"
by 9am - there is paperwork, payment ("Here's what insurance should cover, here's what you cover" Why do I have a comma in my amount?) working out a payment plan. I am sent to go eat because I won't be eating again that day.

9am to 10am
So Kevin and I dined at a roadside cafe, complete with a table where old folks showed up and left in a steady trickle and kept the conversation going. We heard local politics, remarks on kids these days, chocolate discussions, birthday plans, AR 15 break downs and even a few jokes.

10am to 10:45am
I got back, they numbed me and stuffed a hose under my nose to start the gas. They left me in that room alone for so long, I sent for my phone. This became a theme.

10:50am to 1:50am
When shit got real )

Oh and nearly 16 more xrays. Over and over - jamming the sensor edge into the socket of the broken tooth. That wasn't numbed.

4:08pm - Temp set and they let me leave. Turns out 6 Day Dental had one dentist the entire day. She was leaving me to tend to other patients. I rushed Kevin out the door and into Roanoke traffic where we barely made it to his diagnostic appointment so we can check on his kidneys and liver. They had paperwork for his cholesterol.
God Fucking Dammit.
They stabbed him quickly and we left. 4 hurricanes later and a pain pill the size of a Geritol, I am able to function. The nerve was still unhappy and shot a path of persistent pain up the side of my head. It was like a crack on a block of ice.

So I am going to
1: Buy a waterpik so I can clean out the hole on the right side.
2: Find out how much is the cost for just the work on the left, how much is the crown I'm promised - pay only that and LEAVE THAT PLACE.
3: Find new dentist to handle the right side of the mouth.
4: Call the liver/kidney doc and ask what the ungoldy hell is going on now. See, last day we took off for appointments, they neglected to tell Kevin he needed to take labs and get the reports to them. They needed them handled the week prior and they called about it ... 28 hours before the appointment. To say they needed them a week ago.

I'm not unreasonable on this - this was an excellent clinic 5 years ago. However, I don't see any updates in that clinic. It's getting dingy, the equipment is old and failing and the apparent lack of staff are all marks against this.
Yes, being kept from 7am to 4pm HAS colored my point of view.
After all - that is now one day unpaid. I was hoping to get paid at least 3 hours.

Is that common?

Jul. 16th, 2017 03:45 pm
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
Ever have those bad dreams that, upon awakening, seem absolutely ridiculous that it should bother you at all? Woke up 4 times last night, most of it centering on David's parents being furious at me for "causing" his transgenderism and being intent on taking revenge for it. Nothing bloody, just locking me up in their filthy home. (Which, with their hoarding, would lead to a meltdown in about .02 seconds.)

No matter what I may believe about David's gender change, (1) that's all him and (2) it was there years before we got together. Not to mention, David's parents, for all their faults, are exceedingly civil people. It might be awkward if we all found ourselves at the same restaurant, but I know they wouldn't be confrontational about it.

SO annoying to dream something like that to the point where it would wake me up multiple times.

The rest of the dreams centered on anxiety symbolism. Falling through ice and have to claw through arctic cold water. High waves dragging me under, suffocating and quickly freezing me to near death. Being trapped somewhere and not being able to get away. The typical bullshit my brain puts in the movie reel when I'm worried about the other shoe dropping.

Thanks, brain. Good to know I can always rely on you for a pep talk.

I'd lain back down, hoping to catch up sleep. Not much luck there. I'll drift comfortably for an hour and then have to get up. It's making the self-destructive behaviors (always at our worst when we don't sleep well) stir, taking interest in my lack of defenses.

So I did some cleaning. Still having annoying urges, but they are in the background. Will lay back down again soon. A clean house is always easier to sleep in.

Girlyswirl, as soon as I'm able, I'm going to give your journal a thorough reading. I've missed a lot going on in your life. I find it so hard most days to reach out to other people, but it sounds like you and I got some shit hand-in-hand to walk through.

The voices were back yesterday - and they were much clearer than ever before. Two women having a conversation. A conversation about me. I actually heard words this time. "She's so useless right now...might as well...why does she feel this way about herself?"

This is a first. I've never heard words, just the sound of people talking. I don't know what to make of it. The weird part is how they were talking about me as if I wasn't there.

Is that common????
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
I've taken my meds and should be asleep. But for the reasons they do, the words have grabbed me by the hair and drug my ass to computer to write. I'm not quite sure what they need me to say. All I've got is three words.

Reclaim. Your. Power. Incorporate what you've been through in the last year into your power, because you didn't lose it, you just gained it through a particularly painful way.

Every entry where I screamed, every entry where I poured out the fear and the babble, that's power. It's not easy to show the entire world just how messy you are. Every time I cut myself, that's power. It's a hell of a thing to be determined to knife yourself repeatedly, a thing that most people couldn't dream of doing for the sheer pain they'd feel. Every time I tried to kill myself, that's power, because it takes immense force of will to barrel over the human need for self-preservation.

Every time I admitted every psychiatric ward stay, that's power. That's accountability for something that shame would bury. Every hospital stay that I allowed endless needles to be shoved into me, every time I made the right decision about food despite kicking and screaming about it, every time I made the wrong move about what medications to stay on, that's power.

That's acting like a human being with a vicious sense of self-will, run-riot or else wrestled down issues that John Cena couldn't suplex. That's power.

And it's not the only power I've gained over my life. It's not as if this is the first time Life curbstombed me. This is not my first rodeo. I was powerful before, survived, reached out and got help for it every damn time, and came to discover a me that I knew and loved.

That's fucking power. I've gained power through every slash of the skin since the first transgression against me as a child and more power through every wound that healed to scar like glue.

I haven't lost myself. I just lost some of the things I can do. That's not the same as losing who I am. And all of it - the Crazy, the pretty writing, the Lupus, the love from my support circle - it's been loud and it's been powerful.

"Oh no, no, am I getting too loud?
Am I getting too loud? Am I getting too loud?!"


This last year has been LOUD. Sheer volume doesn't always make for graceful pile-driving down your issues. But it sure as hell makes it more powerful - and for the first time in over a year, I see the power. I see MY power.

"You can't ignore the truth inside you!!"

The truth inside of me is that I have power. Have had it, have it, and trial by fire, gaining more of it.

I know I'm not the only one whose had a year that's blasted out their eardrums. Let's take the volume and feel it hit our pulses. Let's take that loudness and rip our damn well earned power from it.
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[personal profile] quirkytizzy
I think I've figured out a way to help combat both boredom and dramatic, self-destructive actions. It works for 2 year olds and it seems to work for this 36 year old, too. PLAY DRESS UP! So now the idea is to learn all kinds of neat vanity tricks and show the world. I got it down for my nails. Now let's try other things.

And Girlyswirl, I can definitely get some kind of playlist, though a lot of can hit melancholy spots. Or it's whimsical about the Crazy. Is that okay? It is so good to have another soldier standing with me on these front lines. Thank you for being here.

So, to get through a really strange place in my head this morning, despite my actual hair ALREADY being purple, I played a bit of dress up.

Remember last year how I lost over half my hair and I was sure I'd be bald by September? That thankfully didn't happen, but I was prepared and bought a few wigs. WARNING: TOTAL NEWB AT THIS. Going to be watching tons of Youtube videos on how to make it all look more naturally placed. Anyone have any tips or videos to share on how to make wig placement look more natural?

(Oh, and product placement: WET N WILD'S glitter makeup IS ACTUALLY GLITTERY AND STAYS ON. It's not just a top coat of glitter in the case, but glitter the whole way through. MUCH LOVE, WET'N'WILD)

Fun with wigs! )

Friday: Build Your Own Demotivator

Jul. 14th, 2017 08:11 pm
disgruntledgirl: Taken from one of my many yahoo accts, which all mirror part of me. (Default)
[personal profile] disgruntledgirl

My biggest curseword starts with "G"

Jul. 13th, 2017 06:18 pm
quirkytizzy: (Default)
[personal profile] quirkytizzy
I curse like a sailor, but there are few words I consider curses. One of them, one of the biggest ones, starts with "G".

Goals. Goals, as far as I am concerned, are nothing but vile cursewords, designed to shock with revulsion and vulgarity. Or at least that's how I feel about the word. Goals are something people with safe lives set. Goals are something people with sane lives set. Goals are something people with stability set.

Goals are not set by people who wound up getting expelled from three high schools because they were a fucked up, abused youth. Goals are not set by people who have lived such life-long poverty that they make it a point to take handfuls of napkins from any restaurant they visit, awaiting the inevitable day they don't have a dollar to buy a cheap set of toilet paper. Goals are not something ex-junkies who still miss their drugs, 20 years later, make.

Goals are not set by people who randomly tell their husbands of 10 years that they want a divorce and then plunge themselves into a 5 year partnership with someone who misspends 14 thousand dollars of rent money. Goals are not set by people who get job after job after job, losing them because they just "weren't a good fit". Goals are not set by those who lose their dream job that they were actually making headway at because their kidneys decided to play Russian Roulette.

(And there's only two chambers in that version of the game.)

Goals are not for people who cut themselves because they're bored, or who always seems to land in the psych ward on the day they've made active plans to hang out with friends. Goals are not for people whose immune system has made a game of Devil's Chess a fond pastime.

Goals are not for people for whom, either having done it themselves or who just have an adversarial relationship with Fate, make. We just don't do it. It's pointless. Why put all that effort, time, work, and HOPE into something that Life's just gonna yank out from under you anyways?

I loathe goals. I do not believe in them. I do not "do" goals.

And because Fate has decided it knows better than me (and hey, it probably does sometimes), my case manager have been setting goals for the last two weeks. Small goals. Infinitesimal goals. Toddler steps.

Goals such as (set today) I will call and make an appointment for food stamps tomorrow. I'm far less likely to blow off an official appointment than if I just wait till I feel like going. Goals such as coming up with three places I might consider volunteering at and bringing her the information when we meet next.

Goals that make me feel like a 12 year old, instead of the 36 year old who SHOULD be raking in her 401K by now. Goals that make me feel like I'm starting out on the bottom rung again. Goals that I'm terrified I won't be able to keep because I'm just so fucking bad at them, no matter how simple they may seem.

Goals require reliability. I am not reliable right now. And I know that THAT is what make the goals so important right now, because one gains reliability THROUGH ACCOMPLISHING GOALS. Beyond abolishing boredom (a huge problem right now), giving a person a sense of identity (also a huge problem right now), accomplishing goals is a life-raft someone can hold onto when the waves get too rough. "Can't go off the rails now, I have (INSERT X GOAL) to report on next week."

And it's so goddamn cliche, but really, I am that typical "afraid to set goals because I'm afraid I'll fail" person. There's fear - real fear - here about the idea of goals. About the stupidly small goals I set today.

What if I can't hold it together long enough to get to her next week with anything? What if I wind up doing something and bleeding and spend the next week in yet another psych ward stay? What if I get the appointment for food stamps set and get sick and can't go? What if I don't fit the volunteer requirements for the places I want to volunteer at?

Worst of all, what if I just don't want to do it because it's fucking work?

What if I have to face not only my fear, but my laziness as well?

What if?

What if?

What if I have to let go of a lifetime of not believing in something (goals) and have to build a whole new structure around the concept, which is a FUUUUUCKTON of work?

What if?

What if?

What if I can't do it?
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