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I am confused about why the fortieth anniversary Saturday Night Live event was held on a Sunday. I have not seen this questioned anywhere else so must assume I am just obtuse. I've never actually watched any* so probably am not qualified to judge what is to be expected.

* this is not a pretentious "your lowbrow comedy is beneath me" comment.** my weird cultural bubble nurtured since adolescence just failed to include any current American television programming for reasons. LUCK OF THE DRAW, shall we say, and move on.

** I am just feeling super apologist lately, probably because I am feeling super hateful lately and am afraid everything I say will be misinterpreted to be as snarky as I really mean a mere 65% of it.

Annie finally dropped her baby, so I need to complain about yet something else that doesn't affect me in any way whatsoever (see above) so BUCKLE UP, GENTLE READERS:

I find even the theoretical concept of babies to be paralyzing in much the same way that a fitness instructor screaming GO GO GO causes every molecule in my body to freeze in place. I nope right the fuck out mentally and emotionally and occasionally will go full blown panic attack over it. None of my first-tier friends have reproduced, and I have only the one sister who seems unlikely to breed, so any kind of informal desensitization therapy is not likely. I'm sure it's another manifestation of my total failure to mature mentally past about twenty, OR MAYBE it's Darwin. I waffle.

I still haven't forgiven myself for my reaction to Biskit's wedding, either. Or "non-reaction," as I couldn't even process that enough to RSVP and be that minimally socially acceptable. In my diseased little brain, a person marrying another person is the same level of weird as a person marrying a goat. okay? I guess? if you really want to? do I like. send a card? When she first texted me about it, I felt more or less like most people do about a Presidental assassination or extreme natural disaster on another continent. You wake up one morning in a slightly altered universe, where dangerous, terrible things can happen. Your friends can suddenly get married or have babies like animals and it's JUST NOT OKAY NOTHING WILL EVER BE OKAY

I would die of cancer without health insurance before I would legally entangle myself with anyone's bullshit. You can be totes drop dead in love, and they can get hit by a bus and become a vegetable and you have to sell your house and spend down all your assets to qualify for a Medicaid bed in a nursing home, or they can leave you for a blonde half your age because they have a secret tiny brain tumor turning them into an asshole or maybe they've secretly been an asshole the whole time, or maybe they have huge student loans that can't be discharged in bankruptcy and then can't find a job and suddenly your car's repossessed while you're at work one day. Maybe I have trust issues (looool maybe), but I'm not saying I think it highly likely that anyone's going to fuck you over ON PURPOSE. It can absolutely happen through ignorance or accident or a thousand tiny ways. If I go down in flames, it will be through my own fault, and I'm not dragging anyone else with me.

And Annie, for God's sake, her idiot husband is too lazy even to get a driver's license, he's 33 years old and his aunt had to yell at him for wiping snot on the wall, WHY would you choose to perpetuate those genes? seriously? BECAUSE her sister had a baby and she became all hormone-riddled and stupid. I should actually be delighted, as it's the perfect excuse to quit even pretending like we'll ever hang out again. Everyone knows I'm allergic to children. I'm glad it was born successfully though, as she's 39 and considerably overweight, and if something had happened I would have felt like my negative energy projected out in the universe had somehow contributed. because it's all about meeee.

or maybe I'm just envious of everyone and everything. because the only man I'll ever really love was made up inside my head (see: Sylvia).

or maybe babies really are just gross.

NEXT TIME: why I'm depressed about my job, how exercise is vastly overrated, and how I totally flipped my shit at my annual checkup tomorrow. STAY TUNED.
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July 2015

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